If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times . . . the clients that I work with really bust their rear ends in the gym. And, those that are steadfast in their training, meticulous in their nutrition and committed to performing moderate cardiovascular activity really make some incredible gains. I am very proud of each and every one of them. I couldn't ask for a more dedicated group of people; they are AWESOME and we certainly have a lot of fun together during our sessions. (At least I do!) Every now and again, these people say the FUNNIEST things during their workouts; unpredictable commentary that catches me off guard and often sends me into fits of laughter. With their permission of course, I thought that I would share some of these humorous remarks with all of you. This is indeed proof positive that you can train until you all but bleed from the eye sockets and still have fun along the way! Here we go . . .
I am an avid coffee drinker. I love it. Okay, okay, OKAAAAAAY ALREADY . . . I am an addict (grin). Consequently, I often constantly carry my coffee cup around with me on the gym floor when I train my clients. Along with my bandanna, New Orleans Saints hat (worn backwards of course), YEP! YEP! and BOOM BABY!, the Starbucks IV is yet another of my many charming trademarks. On Saturdays, I teach an early morning fat burning circuit class consisting of varying forms of resistance training and cardio kick-boxing. Well, during this class, we were doing a series of seriously physically and mentally taxing kick-boxing moves and everyone was working up a really great sweat! The energy that we had going was simply AWESOME and I got really FIRED UP! Patrycja was the next person on deck. She is a five-foot-nothing prissy little blond:

See what I mean? Dainty, prissy and girly. Ugh. Who would ever think that she could throw a believable punch? NO ONE. And that assumption would be a monumental mistake. Trust the person on the receiving end; the girl can drive a wicked punch. So as Patrycja punched away, with each hit that she landed I would yell, "hit HARDER!" "Keep going!", "NO PAIN!" "YEP! YEP!" "BOOM! BOOM!" and as she finished up with 50 right-lefts, 50 knees, 50 kicks and then 50 upper-cuts she all but crumpled in a sweaty heap on the floor gasping for air. As I moved on to the next victim person, I told her to catch her breath and nail 15 push-ups. Just as the next person began their boxing sequence, Patrycja inquired, "would SOMEONE PLEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ get that girl a DECAF!"
Liz works out twice a week at 6:00 am. To say that Liz doesn't like working legs is a drastic understatement. It's sort of like saying that the North Pole is a bit nippy. Simply put, when it's leg day at 6:00 am, Liz is one miserable woman. Working legs takes a lot of energy to begin with and to marshal it at 6:00 am takes indescribable effort. On this particular day, we were on the leg press hitting some pretty heavy sets. We just got the most challenging set underway and I was getting into my regular ridiculously loud encouragement groove yelling "BOOM BABY!" at the top of the movement, "YEP! YEP!" on the way up and "OHHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHH" for everything in between. No doubt the set was difficult and I was running every bit of energy that I had through her to get her to finish the set. The weight was heavy and the concentration great. When we were about three-quarters of the way through she was really struggling to get the weight to the top at which time I shouted, "squeeze your ASS and drive from the glutes!" With an incredulous look she shouted right back, "SQUEEZE MY ASS?!? I'M GONNA POOP MY PANTS FOR CHRISSAKE!" And she did. Naw. Not really. Just making sure that you were paying attention.
Now, I always try to keep training interesting and somewhat fun. Toward that end, I constantly seek out new ways to create workout routines that deliver real results in the shortest amount of time possible. While the students in my early morning "EXTREME WARRIORS" group training class were warming up, I proudly informed that my newest endeavor was to become a Certified Fitness Boxing Instructor. I explained that I was learning increasingly more advanced movements to once again ramp up the intensity! As the workout got under way and we got into our boxing groove, I would tell them 50 punches and then change my mind mid-set and increase the number to 75 or whatever I felt was necessary to push the person to the absolute outer limits of reasonableness. And sanity.
It was Geana's turn. Like Patrycja, Geana is about 5 foot tall (a pretty generous estimate really.) At the outset, I announced that I wanted 50 uppercuts. However, when we reached 50, I knew that she had MUCH more inside so, I directed, "10 more," "10 more," "20 more," ect. to really make her work for it. (As an aside, the way that Geana boxes reminds me of an Energizer Bunny hooked up to a Die Hard . . . never stops! Her arms move like the pistons in a Formula One. When she really gets going, her gloves are nothing but a furious red blur!) Anyway, as I was pushing her through the set willy-nilly selecting numbers, without missing one single punch or otherwise disrupting her groove she blurted, "YOU can't count! Study THAT chapter already!"
Patrycja also constantly takes issue with my counting. Huh. Seems reasonable to me . . . Anyway, I had her on a flat bench press holding the Olympic bar as if she were going to perform a standard chest press. Instead, I had her lift her legs up toward the bar to really nail the abdominals. When the set began, I asked for 15 reps. She was doing a lovely job indeed. Enthralled with her stellar performance, somewhere along the line while ensuring that her form remained perfect, I completely lost count. Her set went thusly: " . . . 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 8 . . ." When I said "eight" after "eleven," she slammed on the brakes mid-rep, snapped her head to the side, glared at me and repeated, "EIGHT????? Since WHEN does eight come AFTER eleven?" For a moment I took pause . . . . and then flatly responded, "when I say it does." "Oh my God I HATE you," she screamed. And then continued the set . . . from EIGHT! HA! HA! HA!
Now that I think about it, any objective onlooker would rightfully conclude that I am pretty much out to kill Patrycja when we train. Truth be told . . . I am. Problem is that the girl just won't die. I think that I am going to have to take her into the parking lot and run her over with a bus or something. The other day, I came up with this INSANE total-body circuit and ran her through it three times. The circuit's primary emphasis was on legs. That is, in between every exercise, I made her perform a movement designed to hit the legs. It was absolutely KILLER. Half way through the first set, we made our way to the seated leg curl; not at all Patrycja's favorite exercise. When we got there I was having a problem adjusting the machine to fit her body and wasn't quite certain what I was doing wrong. For a split second, I was truly perplexed. Just as I was figuring it out Patrycja bounced up behind me. Wiping the sweat from her face, she peered over my shoulder and when she noticed the remote possibility that something may be wrong with the machine I saw an enormous grin momentarily flash across her face. Trying to stifle her exuberance, she immediately exchanged her hopeful grin for a much more grave, appropriate-to-the-circumstances look. "Hummmmm . . . What's wrong?" she inquired non-nonchalantly looking the machine over pretending to care. "Is it BROKEN??!!??" she asked once again uncontrollably grinning. No such luck. I fixed it.
If you asked, any of my clients would tell you that I change up their workouts quite a little bit. I dare say that none of them are really ever the same twice. And Mark just happened to be the first lucky recipient of my newest kick. He was training chest. Since he has an issue with his right shoulder, I decided to limit his range of motion by making him perform chest presses while laying on the floor. Since there is absolutely no help from the shoulders, the chest really has to contract hard to move the resistance. When Mark nailed the final rep of the sixth set, he slowly picked himself up from the floor, dusted off his sweaty, old gym shirt as if it were the nicest item of clothing that he possessed and shook his head in utter disbelief. "Ya know, we are in a brand new gym facility with all of this nice equipment," he said gesturing to the vast array of benches and machines. "And YOU have me laying all over the F***ING FLOOR!" True. I sure did!
And then we have Brian's biceps routine. After performing the third and final tri-set (which is really the ninth set) his biceps were absolutely on FIRE. After he bullied through the final rep of the set (with impeccable form of course) he dropped the dumbbells and sat motionless on the bench staring into nothingness. After a few moments he said, "Wow. That was insane."
"GREAT isn't it?" I replied standing beside him feeling the unspeakable satisfaction that comes from completing a really hard set.
"Yea. Just great." He agreed with a slow, deliberate nod of his head still staring into nothingness. "Ranks right up there with poking my own eyes out."
Like I said, these people work hard. But more importantly, they make my day SO MUCH MORE FUN!! THANKS GUYS! For all of them it's sheer misery most of the time . . . as for me? Well . . . it's really all in a day's work.